In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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