If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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