My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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