I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
