remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
