we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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