oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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