I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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