I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
