How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
