Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
