I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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