Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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