Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
