Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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