I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
