You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You can't just leave with hair like that
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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