I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
