I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm passing your future prison.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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