doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
