just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
