No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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