you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
