I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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