apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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