If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
