I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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