He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
