i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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