i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
