I'm so fucking centered right now
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
