This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
