I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's rum buckets o'clock
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
