It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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