I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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