I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
