i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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