Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
