i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
