...so i touched it.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
