Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We are all done wearing pants today
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
