Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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