if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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