Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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