I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
