You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
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