I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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