I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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