guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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