My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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