that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
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you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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