im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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