There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
