I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
