these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
