This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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