i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
