Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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